(translated from the Bengali of Rabindra Nath Tagore)
On the banks of a river most calm and grey,
There sat a sage deep in meditation: in prayer.
There chanced that way a beggarly man; to greet
The noble sage, he bowed low and touched his feet.
Says he , “Lord, my home I have left far behind,
“For some material bliss, wealth, I eternally pine.
My life’s miserable: I make do with little or none;
Wealth I had aplenty, today nothing—my lucky days are gone!
The Gods, saddened at my wretched plight, have sent me
To you. ‘With that riverside hermit’, said they, ‘will your cure be.’”
The hermit is taken aback: he looks astonished at first;
Then, suddenly, radiance from his face seems to burst.
“Indeed, in that place where the weeds have grown,
One day I chanced upon the Philosopher’s Stone.
Because I might need to give away some day,
I have buried the stone safely in the riverside clay.
Noble sir, if it may be of use to you
Take it! Yours it rightfully is: to you it should go!”
The man hurriedly secures the stone from its berth
And with frenzied delight, he tests its worth.
Once! Twice! All he touches begins to shine fiercely:
All he touches turns to gold—his bliss promenades endlessly.
Suddenly, exhausted, he collapses on the grime,
He sits and ruminates agitatedly for a while.
On the dead river, the horizon paints a bloody scene—
A weary sun bids adieu to the day that has been.
Dusk falls. The man relieves himself of his humble seat—
Eyes brimming with tears, throws himself at he sage’s feet.
“That wealth which makes you affluent: so opulent that calmly
You sit and regard this stone so slightingly;
Of that treasure chest’s bounty, I beg a part…
And he throws the stone— into the river—like a dart!
....Apart from the usual, please also leave a comment saying whether this translation would sound (or read) better as a collation of quatrains....
On the banks of a river most calm and grey,
There sat a sage deep in meditation: in prayer.
There chanced that way a beggarly man; to greet
The noble sage, he bowed low and touched his feet.
Says he , “Lord, my home I have left far behind,
“For some material bliss, wealth, I eternally pine.
My life’s miserable: I make do with little or none;
Wealth I had aplenty, today nothing—my lucky days are gone!
The Gods, saddened at my wretched plight, have sent me
To you. ‘With that riverside hermit’, said they, ‘will your cure be.’”
The hermit is taken aback: he looks astonished at first;
Then, suddenly, radiance from his face seems to burst.
“Indeed, in that place where the weeds have grown,
One day I chanced upon the Philosopher’s Stone.
Because I might need to give away some day,
I have buried the stone safely in the riverside clay.
Noble sir, if it may be of use to you
Take it! Yours it rightfully is: to you it should go!”
The man hurriedly secures the stone from its berth
And with frenzied delight, he tests its worth.
Once! Twice! All he touches begins to shine fiercely:
All he touches turns to gold—his bliss promenades endlessly.
Suddenly, exhausted, he collapses on the grime,
He sits and ruminates agitatedly for a while.
On the dead river, the horizon paints a bloody scene—
A weary sun bids adieu to the day that has been.
Dusk falls. The man relieves himself of his humble seat—
Eyes brimming with tears, throws himself at he sage’s feet.
“That wealth which makes you affluent: so opulent that calmly
You sit and regard this stone so slightingly;
Of that treasure chest’s bounty, I beg a part…
And he throws the stone— into the river—like a dart!
....Apart from the usual, please also leave a comment saying whether this translation would sound (or read) better as a collation of quatrains....
Comments
Can a Dove riding a Bulldozer move Forward? Explain
Impresario, nurturer of numerous divine damsels, spouse of an Indian Jew, almost got D-graded. Who?
When mommy and beancounter make decisions, a sibling walks off with the other's baby. What are we referring to?
Which South Indian temple deity was recently invoked through strange rituals. For instance, a group of women with brooms in hand, and an image being carried on a donkey in Salem, before being immolated.
When his turn came, he was opposed as inappropriate, not because of his past dalliance with Wasim, but because he hails from beyond the vale.Who?
as for crossword or quizzes, sorry but i hate 'em. always make my brain explode!
russell >> cheers! but doesn't it hinder the rythm somewhat?
amit >> no problemo!
athena >> thanks:-) yes, i did the translation from the original myself
Meanwhile - I'll have a think about the quizzes. We went to a quiz in Holland - they also gave the questions out in English. We came second. Pretty damn impressive eh?
Regarding the translation. I think it's brilliant, I really do. And something I could never do. It's hard enough writing in one language.
I like the couplets. Here are a few observations that you might/ might not like to take on board...
1 I'd leave out "most"
I notice that the lines all have roughly five beats. But the first line has only four. Maybe you could sort that. The second line in stanza 3 also. Maybe leave out "little" and "eternally".
5 "your cure will be" is better
7 I'd put "the" weeds to make it scan.
"I did find" is awful!!! "I found" would be better. This line only has four beats but perhaps that's okay as it's a key line.
11 Not sure about the word "promenades" It's okay but maybe a bit old-fashioned sounding
12 The second line could do with another beat. Also there's no need for the three dots
15 I don't think slightingly is a word.
16 I think you could redo this stanza. Not sure about "beg I a part" Is this the beggarly man begging a part. "I beg a part" would be better. Then - does the Sage throw the stone into the water? It's not clear. And finally the image of the stone as a dart doesn't quite work. I think you could come up with something cleverer - especially as it's the last verse of the poem.
Well - there you are then. Lots to think about. Little things which I think could improve it. But like I say - I think it's a really great piece of work.
3 'a little' has been deleted
7 'i did find' has been replaced by 'i chanced upon'
'weeds' has been changed to 'the weeds'
12 the ellipsis has been removed.
'thinks quietly' has been replaced by 'ruminates agitatedly'
15 'Slightingly' is indeed a word. i checked it up in the dictionary.
16 'beg i a part' has been replaced by 'i beg a part'
As for the stanza, I'm thinking of a replacement...
I might make a few more changes...
i have made a few alterations, after roger's advice. i think the poem reads a bit better now.
cj 2 >> hey man, easy, no need to get excited. i understand what you want to sya. no need for the double emphasis.
;-)
don't worry about the quiz. i understand your problem. it's okay.
and thanks for the wonderful comment about this effort.
nicole >> i COMMEND the comment. :-)
hey, hey you got it all wrong i'm not stuart little. ;-)
pecos >> welcome, thank you and do visit again!
athena >> oops, sorry about that. but glad to know that someone atleast wants me to blog again and again. :-)