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Hmmm...

What if you realize people will never understand you as you are? What if you realize that people don't realize? That sometimes they don't care. Sometimes they don't think. And sometimes they don't know what they they say.

Sometimes people don't appreciate you for not being the things that you can be. For not being what you don't need to be. Should you act hurt? Surprised? Disappointed? Or at the end, should you just carry on without giving it a thought?

Sometimes you don't need to tell people everything about yourself. Should you tell? And whom should you tell? But what if those things inside you begin to suffocate you? How do you release them without becoming an object of pity? What if thinking about certain things make you want to weep? Should you weep? Should you carry on? It's not easy to make a distinction between the necessary and the extraneous at most times. Sometimes, it's impossible...

Sometimes you sit down and think of how you have faced life in the past years. Does it overwhelm you to know that you have both failed and succeeded? What if you lost love before you knew what it was? What if you didn't get the love you wanted, when you wanted it? Should you be jealous of people who had it? Are they better than you?

Sometimes it's difficult to understand why people act like they do. Why do they hurt you and then carry on like nothing happened? Why do they want to be with you and still hurt you? Why do they behave as if what they do is fine. It's fine with them, but not with you. How do you decide how to set limits? Should there be limits in love? Do our wishes stand for so little? Why don't people just live alone?

So then, what's the point of life? What's the point of love?
They both end with death.
What's the point in believing in things that ultimately end?

What's wrong with suicide?

At the moment, I cannot tell...



When I think, I can hardly see anything. My mind begins to warp. I am dazzled by a thousand questions, emotions, truths, lies, heartbreaks, jealousy, longing, hatred, passion. How do I decipher a myriad things in a single moment? How can I control the wish to just run away from myself? How do I come to terms with the reality that I have my thoughts wherever I go? That they they won't leave me. That they will drain me out. And keep on doing it. Forever.

How do I accept that there is no escape from my thoughts?
And that someday they might kill me!

Comments

Anonymous said…
AH! The eternal struggle...Me a tiny dot much nearer to the end of scale ... still trying to sort and fathom...
Anonymous said…
because it is the journey that matters-- not the destination :)
Shubhodeep said…
anjali >> haha quite a turmoil eh?

anon >> then y would we make journeys at all if the destination wasn't important??? :)

n i'd appreciate it if you left ur name after the comment...
Hi my young question asker! Have you ever watched an old person who has nothing left to do in life? To do so would also bring up some interesting speculations. Your tendency is to be cynical as is often true with intelligent people. However, most intelligent people find cynicism must be moderated to be a useful way of viewing life. I would suggest reading Montaigne - a true cynic but without suffering from depression. I haven't heard back from CJ by the way, so I hope he has gotten in touch with you. Let me know, I'd love to see you work on StB!
Shubhodeep said…
thanks for your comment russell... ah , i believe we could all be forgiven for immoderation sometimes, my friend.

montaigne sounds excellent. reads well too. i've just picked up his collection. thanks for the suggestion.
Have you ever read the book I Have the Right to Destroy Myself. It was a huge hit in South Korea, where the writer lives--offhand I don't remember his name, but google it--it's a good novel.

I will set you up today with Bloodlessness.
Shubhodeep said…
Thanks a lot for adding me on.
I'll look out for the book as well. It looks rather intriguing from what I gather from the reviews I read.
Anonymous said…
You echo the thoughts I feel almost every day. But I think the fact that you ponder these things can only mean that you are striving for better things & you will. Those old demons are hard but it will get better....I promise.

Your writings are awesome and so vivid....I love your style. Keep writing...it helps.

In friendship

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